Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
