omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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