Yo dont text me then not text me
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
