just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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