She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Randomize
