Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Randomize
