Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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