I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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