When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
