I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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