Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Sober January is a disaster.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Randomize