so that wasnt chicken after all
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
