I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
