So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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