also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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