i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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