youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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