and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Randomize
