If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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