I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
