My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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