Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
i now understand why vodka
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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