Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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