I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
