Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
