Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
