I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
