The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
So squirting runs in the family.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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