hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
