Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I want to have your abortion
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
