I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
