God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
