I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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