K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
