I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
