I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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