I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize