Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
