Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize