I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
