If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
