The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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