and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
