happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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