Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
