i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Randomize