Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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