I could make wine with my vomit
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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