Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Randomize
