He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
