she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
