The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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