he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Are my feet made of real feet?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
