Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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