Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Fuck me I smell like cheese
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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