Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Randomize
